What to expect in your first couples counseling session

Before the session

You have your appointment scheduled and it sinks in: now you are going to actually have to talk to someone about all the things you have been struggling with!  Maybe you have tried couples counseling before and it didn’t go well; maybe this is your first time, and it feels uncomfortable to talk about your frustrations with your relationship in front of your partner and to a total stranger. Or maybe you are a little bit excited about taking this step, hopeful that things might start to get better.

All of it is completely normal.  Being a little nervous just means your body is getting ready for something new and different, which is exactly how you want to feel when you are starting therapy.  In a previous blog I have talked about the big picture of how couples counseling works.  In this one I want to focus on the first appointment.

Before you arrive, you will likely have been given some forms to complete, whether online or on paper. These will likely include biographical information and insurance paperwork but there may be more than that, depending on the therapist. Hopefully the couples counselor has given you clear directions on where the office is and how to park!  One of my offices is easy to find, for instance, and free street parking is right in front; the other office is not obvious, tucked in between two buildings and not even on the street whose address it is. It’s got a beautiful view once you get there but I always warn new clients to give themselves more time than they think they need to find it the first time!

The session begins

The beginning of the session will likely just be administrative, gathering paperwork and explaining informed consent, confidentiality, and other office policies.  Then you will get to the heart of the session, where you get to talk about why you’re here. Your therapist might want to know, from each of you:

1.     What brings you here?  What is it that you want help with? What has been going on in your relationship that has become unmanageable?

2.     Why now?  What happened recently that said it was time to reach out for help? Most couples have been struggling with the issues that bring them into therapy for years before they actually reach out to a therapist. 

3.     What have you tried so far to work on these issues?  Your therapist is probably going to want to know what you have tried (other therapy, self-help books, podcasts).  Knowing what has worked and what hasn’t helps the therapist orient their approach from the beginning.   

4.     How did you meet?  Couples counselors often want to know how your relationship started so they can begin to track when things got more difficult between you. Talking about the early days can also help you remember why you’re here and why you want to work on your relationship.

5.     What are your goals for couples counseling?  It may surprise you that the therapist wants to know what your goals are before you have even started therapy, but this helps get all three of you aligned from the beginning on what you are working towards together.

At the end of the session, the therapist will likely outline what comes next, how frequently you will meet, and set up a schedule for ongoing sessions.  They will want to give you some sense of how they plan to work with you on the issues you have just been describing so you can have some confidence about how counseling will help your relationship.

What comes next

After the initial session, you may feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.  For a lot of couples, it feels good to share the challenges they have been having and see that it isn’t too much for this therapist; it is a relief to know that you can be helped!  You might also feel a little overwhelmed by having shared so much and by how much work there is to do. You might not be sure even now that your relationship can really improve or that your partner is up to the work that is involved in making it better.

All of this is normal.  There is no right feeling to have when you are starting something new that you don’t know for sure how it will turn out. What you do know is that the relationship you have been in wasn’t working.  Whatever happens, you have taken an important step in making your relationship better.

Author Bio
Melinda Yachnin, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in La Grange and Chicago IL.  She specializes in couples counseling for people in long-term relationships and has been counseling couples for almost 30 years in the Chicago area.  She uses Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, EFT and RLT in her work with couples so that couples can access the practical skills in everyday life and the deeper currents that can transform their relationships.  She has been married for 25 years and raised three children with her husband, a perspective that has enhanced her commitment to helping couples navigate the many stages of a life together.