Top 5 myths about couples counseling in Chicago
There is a lot of misinformation about couples counseling that can get in the way of seeking the help that might make a difference to your relationship. After 30 years of counseling couples, I have heard it all! I have written more extensively about this elsewhere, but for today, here are my top 5 favorite myths:
Myth #1: Couples counseling means that your relationship is in trouble.
A lot of people avoid reaching out for help because they are afraid that if they do, it means that their marriage is doomed. They think that they should just be able to figure out their communication issues without outside intervention, because outside intervention is only for couples who are going to divorce. Other couples minimize the issues they are having because in their minds, admitting that they need help might mean that it is already too late.
Truth: Couples counseling can be the best way to get your relationship thriving again.
If your car started to make a lot of noise each time you started it up, would you refuse to take it to a mechanic? Of course not. You would understand that it is not the car’s fault that its muffler is malfunctioning; it is just a thing that happens and can be fixed so the car runs smoothly again. A couples counselor can be like a mechanic for your communication; the therapist can help you understand where it breaks down and coach you in how to talk to each other more effectively.
Myth #2: We will be in counseling forever.
We hear stories about couples who are in counseling for years and wonder: if it’s working, why does it have to keep going? Is the therapist just financially incentivized to keep couples on the schedule for months or years?
Truth: Good couples counseling lasts only as long as you benefit from it.
Myth #3: We can’t afford couples counseling, it is too expensive.
Good therapists charge too much, you might be thinking, and we can’t afford to pay their rates month after month with no end in sight. Or perhaps you want to use your insurance but your policy doesn’t cover couples counseling; maybe the couples counselor you want to work with is not in-network with your insurance.
Truth: The return-on-investment for effective couples counseling can be enormous.
Think about how much you are willing to spend on a vacation this coming year, or what you would spend to get your car (that car again!) running smoothly. Add up how much you have spent these past few months on dining out or door dash. The total amount you would likely spend on effective couples counseling would most likely be less than any of those. But the benefit to your well-being is hard to calculate. Imagine having the relationship you most want to have without being in therapy for years to get there!
Myth #4: The couples counselor will take my (or my partner’s) side and won’t be impartial.
Many people might subconsciously wish that the couples therapist will side with them during sessions and point out all the ways their partner needs to change. And just as often, we might fear that we will be the one getting ganged up on in therapy. We might have had bad experiences of not having our point-of-view heard.
Truth: The truth is that this is a risk with some couples counselors.
This is why it is so important to ask lots of questions of potential therapists before you even set up an initial session. When couples counseling is working the way we want it to, you should both feel validated and understood, and at the same time, both feel challenged to grow and change in ways that will benefit your relationship.
Myth #5: Couples counseling means just having our arguments in front of someone else.
Why do I need to go argue in front of another person when we can just have these arguments at home for free?
Truth: Arguing in front of your therapist is part (but only part) of the process.
For sure part of the therapeutic experience in couples counseling is to have your arguments with a trained professional in the room so that you can get their guidance and perspective on where your communication is breaking down. Arguing with your spouse in therapy is part of how the couples counselor can then coach you on how to express yourselves more effectively. The argument is the means to the end of being able to manage your conflicts with each other without escalation. Couples who figure out how to have good arguments with each other, so that they no longer need a therapist in the room to keep things safe, go on to have more connected and satisfying relationships.
If you are unhappy in your marriage more often than you’re not, then don’t let your preconceptions stop you from getting help. It can make all the difference.
Author Bio
Melinda Yachnin, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in La Grange and Chicago IL. She specializes in couples counseling for people in long-term relationships and has been counseling couples for almost 30 years in the Chicago area. She uses Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, EFT and RLT in her work with couples so that couples can access the practical skills in everyday life and the deeper currents that can transform their relationships. She has been married for 25 years and raised three children with her husband, a perspective that has enhanced her commitment to helping couples navigate the many stages of a life together.
