Getting the most out of couples counseling
I get it, you’ve had it. This morning’s argument felt like the last straw, and now you just think, something has got to change because you can’t keep going like this. Maybe it was his cluelessness about things you have mentioned to him umpteen times before. Maybe it was her tone as she reminded you for the umpteenth time about something you were already planning to do. Maybe it was just that feeling of stress when you were with your spouse that said, I can’t live like this anymore!
The honeymoon is over
We all know about the rose-colored glasses of a new relationship, that honeymoon phase when you realized you’d found the person you wanted to spend your life with is exhilarating. But even when we know on some level that it won’t always feel like that, it can be unbearably disappointing when that feeling starts to fade away. Now it seems like you are annoyed by each other so much of the time. Was she always like this and you just didn’t notice? Did he hide these parts of himself from you?
Logically you knew that marriage was going to be hard work, but you didn’t think it meant this kind of hard! The endless arguments over small things, the misunderstandings and feeling misunderstood, the feeling like you have just become each other’s roommate. Where did the passion go?
It went where all passion eventually goes: into the ordinary space of daily life, full of repetitive routines and logistics and shared stress. Knowing that this new post-honeymoon phase of your marriage is predictable, that it happens to every couple who is together more than a few years, does not make it easy to figure out.
The power struggle has begun
The good news is that you are now at that stage of your relationship where a deeper intimacy begins to get forged. Now that you see each other more clearly, not just the parts you fell in love with but the shadow side of those parts as well, you can begin to create a partnership that allows for your whole selves to be known. The other news is that figuring out this more authentic partnership can be full of open conflict at best, and smoldering resentment at worst.
The power struggle phase of your relationship is full of risk as well, because as we see each other more clearly, we are going to encounter more and more of the ways that we are different from one another, and not all of those will be pleasant. Trying to navigate this with each other is when we can fall into some toxic communication habits that make everything worse. Habits like:
Criticizing each other.
Complaining about small things.
Getting defensive when your spouse complains about something.
Putting off spending time together.
Tallying how much who does what.
Talking about how unhappy you are instead of about what would make you happy.
Taking each other for granted.
Treating other people in your life better than you treat your spouse.
Blaming each other.
Avoiding hard conversations. You get the idea!
We fall into these habits because let’s face it, there isn’t a lot of time in any given day and life gets filled with more responsibilities as we go along. We often don’t have much left in our own tank and want our spouse to help us out or cut us some slack; but, given that they might be feeling the very same way, we end up getting into arguments over who should do the breakfast dishes.
If my husband didn’t do something I really was hoping he would do, or had even asked him to do, I might feel justified in being critical of his forgetfulness. If my wife criticized my forgetfulness, I might feel justified in explaining why I forgot or why it wasn’t that big a deal. We might get into arguments that go around in circles because, in each of our minds, we are just standing up for ourselves and trying to explain our point of view but since no one is really listening, nothing gets resolved. Or we might start avoiding hard conversations with each other because we don’t want to ruin a good evening, but then, again, the problem never gets addressed. And through it all our disconnect grows.
I get it. When the very things you are doing to try to manage the situation seem only to make it worse, and yet you don’t know what else you can do, you might begin to feel hopeless and discouraged and wonder what is wrong with you as a couple. It’s not that you want to give up; it’s just that you don’t know what else to do.
If this is what you feel, then couples counseling might be the way to get unstuck. Sitting with a good couples counselor can stop the damage, help you get perspective on where things are breaking down in your communication, and learn what better habits you can build instead. Research shows that over 70% of couples who participate in couples counseling are glad they did!
Starting couples counseling
Deciding to start couples counseling can be a big step towards making your marriage the one you most want to be in and resolving the issues that are in the way. I have written more extensively elsewhere about how to find a couples counselor in Chicago who is a good fit for you and your spouse. Here I want to focus on the perspectives that will help you make the most of this difficult moment so you can use it to transform your relationship.
Here are my top five recommendations for getting the most out of your couples counseling process.
1. Know what your goals and objectives are.
Ask yourself, what is it you are hoping will change in your relationship? What kind of relationship would you rather be in? What are the challenges you keep encountering? Think about yourself in 3-6 months. What would your relationship look like if counseling were effective?
2. Focus on changing yourself
Couples counseling works better when you focus on changing your own behavior instead of pointing out how your partner needs to change. It is natural to be more aware of how your partner is letting you down than to notice how you might be disappointing him or her. When you consciously look at what you can do differently, counseling will be much more effective.
3. Spend some time independently before the session reflecting on your goals.
Think about the goals you have for your relationship and yourself. Reflect on where you noticed yourself struggling with the changes you are trying to make. Notice moments when you were triggered, get curious about what was getting activated. Come to each session knowing what would help you to focus on.
4. Commit to spending time on your relationship.
Make this process the most important thing you are doing every day, even if it is only for a few minutes. Prioritize time together over your job, over friends, even over childcare. It doesn’t take much time to work on your marriage, but nothing will change if you don’t commit to spending a few hours a week on the relationship. If it’s not at the top of your list, it will fall off the bottom of your list.
5. Commit to being patient.
We don’t change habits overnight, whether they are how much we are exercising or how we are tuning into/communicating with our partner. Change takes persistence and repetition, over many months. It is even more complex when we are both changing our parts at the same time. Be gentle with yourself, and with your partner, when you “relapse.” It is a normal part of making any change and not a sign that the process isn’t working.
Avoid the common pitfalls of couples therapy
Don’t go into a session with your focus on how your partner is to blame: has hurt you, let you down, not done their part, etc.
Don’t use your session to rehash your latest argument. Often this happens when you have become invested in being right and want your therapist to validate that.
Don’t go into session with nothing particular in mind to talk about or work on. Spend a few minutes (at least!) thinking about what would help you to focus on.
And whether you get into couples counseling or not…
1. You can be right, or you can be happily married. You can’t be both!
2. If you are right, then you have just made your partner wrong. You may have won the argument, but you will probably feel more disconnected from each other.
3. You do not get to have a perfect partner, at every moment of every day for your whole life long. You need to develop tolerance for mistakes made along the way. You need to have space in you for different perspectives and different needs around a single issue.
4. You are responsible for your own stress, your own feelings, achieving your own goals, living in alignment with your own values. No one else. Learn how to manage this as well as you can.
5. You have a front-row seat to your partner’s annoying traits and habits, just as they do for yours! Cut them some slack for having a bad day or for moments when they might regress.
6. It is never going to help you or your relationship to resort to blame, disengagement, righteous indignation, denial, or resentful compliance. Use those moments to get curious about your own feelings and perspectives, and perhaps to calm yourself down.
After the initial session, you may feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. For a lot of couples, it feels good to share the challenges they have been having and see that it isn’t too much for this therapist; it is a relief to know that you can be helped! You might also feel a little overwhelmed by having shared so much and by how much work there is to do. You might not be sure even now that your relationship can really improve or that your partner is up to the work that is involved in making it better.
All of this is normal. There is no right feeling to have when you are starting something new that you don’t know for sure how it will turn out. What you do know is that the relationship you have been in wasn’t working. Whatever happens, you have taken an important step in making your relationship better.
Author Bio
Melinda Yachnin, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in La Grange and Chicago IL. She specializes in couples counseling for people in long-term relationships and has been counseling couples for almost 30 years in the Chicago area. She uses Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, EFT and RLT in her work with couples so that couples can access the practical skills in everyday life and the deeper currents that can transform their relationships. She has been married for 25 years and raised three children with her husband, a perspective that has enhanced her commitment to helping couples navigate the many stages of a life together.
