Change yourself first
“Why am I the only one who does anything around here?” Marina had been home for five minutes and was already furious with her husband Dan. She had just come in from a 12-hour shift at her job, walked into their kitchen where the dishes were piled up in the sink, and saw Dan scrolling on his phone over on the couch. She felt that familiar tension, fed up with having to either wash the dishes herself or remind Dan yet again that they needed to be done.
Dan had gotten home from his long work shift about five minutes before Marina. He was just catching up on his email when he heard Marina say, “Why am I the only one who does anything around here?” He was caught off guard by her tone and instantly felt dread about another ruined evening ahead. “Geez you’re just never happy,” he says, “you come in here and always find something to complain about.”
The same old arguments
And off they go. Another argument, deeply unsatisfying, never fully resolved, both left feeling more discouraged and disconnected. Each of them is likely to feel righteous about their own version of what is happening; neither of them will really understand what the other person’s perspective might be.
You could spend a lifetime pointing out to your partner all the ways they could change so that things between you went more smoothly. And what would be the result? More frequent arguments, fights that get worse and take longer to get past, old emotional wounds that get reopened over something as simple as dishes not being done.
What if Marina were able to take a deep breath, once she noticed her own upset at seeing the dishes in the sink, rather than blaming Dan for not doing them? What if Dan were able to pause before he responded, rather than going straight to self-defense? They may be able then to access a different way of seeing the situation. They may be able to make a different choice about what to do or say next.
Getting curious about yourself
When we get upset, we are tempted to look for who or what is to blame for causing our upset. The driver who cuts us off, the boss who insists we stay late, our child who decides that now is the time to dawdle when school starts in 5 minutes: it is very easy to focus the story we say to ourselves about what we feel on the people or situation that triggered it!
But what if we focus on getting curious about why we are reacting the way we are? What if we ask ourselves these questions instead?
What am I feeling? It might feel like anger, but underneath maybe I’m feeling something else as well.
What is it that I need?
What does this situation remind me of?
What is this emotion trying to tell me?
Our emotional response to whatever events are happening is a clue from our deeper selves about how to navigate our lives. We miss it this wisdom entirely if we focus our attention and response on the other person involved.
Emotions as wisdom
Imagine you are waving your hand around as you are trying to tell a story. Imagine that your hand brushes past the open flame of a candle you have lit on the counter. You will immediately experience physical pain and pull your hand away, maybe even adjusting where the candle is, so that you can continue to tell your story. You will not blame the candle for being lit or your hand for experiencing pain. You will not just keep putting your hand over that flame, risking a third-degree burn. In other words, your experience of pain is an enormously helpful response because it helps you make an adjustment that makes your life better.
Emotional pain is trying to help you in just the same way. If Marina feels angry when there are dishes in the sink and her husband is on his phone, she will get so much more to the heart of the matter if she pauses long enough to get curious about why. Maybe she is completely exhausted, and the narrative in her head is that she can’t relax until all her chores are done. Maybe she had asked Dan to clean the kitchen before she got home so feels alone and unimportant when she sees that he did not do so. Maybe she feels helpless to do all the things she needs to do to run her life and wants his help, but she feels bad having to ask.
How differently the evening might go if she first is able to understand what it is her emotions are telling her! She might then be able to say, “Sweetheart, I am really worn out. It would mean a lot to me if you could clean the kitchen while I’m changing my clothes.”
If Dan goes straight to defensiveness when Marina says what she says, he misses the deeper pain he might be feeling around not feeling like his wife is ever happy to see him. If instead he got curious about his strong reaction to Marina expressing her stress, he might notice that he is feeling like he can never do enough, or that he misses sharing that easy closeness they once had.
How differently the evening might go if he was able to say to her, “Sweetheart, I get how stressed you are. I’m happy to help, just give me a few more minutes to finish this email and I’ll take care of it.”
Focusing on changing yourself helps you get curious about your strong emotional reactions. Of course they are connected to the situation that triggered them and to the people involved. But what else might be going on? What deeper layers might be involved? The conflicts between us get easier to talk about when we can own the part we play; the differences between us get resolved when we can ask for what we actually need.
Author Bio
Melinda Yachnin, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in La Grange and Chicago IL. She specializes in couples counseling for people in long-term relationships and has been counseling couples for almost 30 years in the Chicago area. She uses Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, EFT and RLT in her work with couples so that couples can access the practical skills in everyday life and the deeper currents that can transform their relationships. She has been married for 25 years and raised three children with her husband, a perspective that has enhanced her commitment to helping couples navigate the many stages of a life together.
