He walks in the door after work, and the first thing he sees is toys. So many toys, scattered all over the living room floor. He stumbles over shoes and backpacks and begins to seethe with frustration.
She is sitting with one of their kids, trying to get him to focus on his homework, while the other two noisily argue about whose turn it is just three feet away. She is already stressed about how much more there is to do before she finally gets a break.
At this point, it won't take much for this couple to get into another toxic argument. One that goes back and forth, with each exchange increasing in anger as they try to get the other person to understand what's bothering them.
"I am so tired of walking into a house that's a disaster zone. What do you even do all afternoon?!"
"That's right, I don't do anything around here. Apparently I just sit around doing nothing."
"We talked about getting the kids to put their toys away, but you never follow through on it."
"Add it to the million other things on my list. Maybe you should just chill out and not let it get to you so much."
Back and forth, going nowhere. Does he really think she will be receptive to what he's saying? Does she think he will actually hear her point of view?
During the power struggle years of marriage, it is easy to fall into conflicts like this. These are the "perfect storm for conflict" years, when couples face more stress and responsibility, increased demands on their time and energy, limited opportunities for self-care, and practically nonexistent time for their own connection. For many couples, their enjoyment of each other goes off a cliff. They have less sex, less fun, and less conversation that isn't about logistics than at any other point in their relationship.
Unmet needs drive the conflict
Part of the problem is that each partner needs something important from the other, but neither has enough time or emotional bandwidth to figure out what that is.
At a surface level, he is aware of his frustration when he says to his wife, "What do you even do all day?!" But he may be less aware of the deeper feelings underneath. Perhaps he is exhausted and desperately wants a break, but because of his own family history, he doesn't know how to let himself relax until every chore is done. When he sees the toys scattered across the living room, he feels as though he's on his own to get everything done. In that moment, he feels like no one has his back.
At a surface level, she may be aware that her stress is at its limit, but she may be less aware of her deeper yearning to know that he appreciates how much she does. Given her own family history, it may be difficult for her to acknowledge the messy house without feeling that she is somehow at fault for everything that isn't going well. Only part of her believes the critical voice in her head. The other part knows she's doing the best she can, and fights back when her husband asks what she does all day.
And so they start arguing as though their life depends on it, criticizing each other and defending themselves against every comment. Both are yelling, neither is listening, until someone has had enough and storms out of the room.
The fight-or-flight intensifies your arguments
It doesn't take long for a couple who argues like this to become discouraged about the future of their marriage. After enough repetitions of these kinds of fights, they can develop deeply ingrained habits around conflict.
He may walk into the house expecting to see some toys on the floor, but as soon as he sees her doing something other than dealing with the mess, his frustration goes from 0 to 60. She may be just as determined not to react to his comments about the messy house, but the moment she hears that familiar tone in his voice, her body becomes flooded with stress.
In that moment, a reasonable conversation about how to manage the kids' homework and the clutter in the house becomes almost impossible, because both of them are now in fight-or-flight mode.
This isn't a conscious decision. It's an automatic response from your nervous system when it perceives a threat. Your brain and body prepare you to protect yourself, releasing stress hormones and making it harder to think clearly, listen, and regulate your emotions.
On one level, you may understand that this ordinary Tuesday night disagreement is not a life-or-death situation. And yet, in the moment, it can feel incredibly urgent and important. When you are flooded with stress, you may start to believe that the messy house means your wife isn't able to come through for you. Or that your husband's frustration means he is always disappointed in you.
Why does this happen?
Because when your fight-or-flight response is activated, your brain can begin to interpret your spouse's words and behavior as a threat. Instead of experiencing your partner as someone who loves you and is trying to navigate a difficult day alongside you, you experience them as someone you need to defend yourself against.
And of course, this is not even remotely what is happening (I'm referring here to ordinary marital arguments, not situations involving intimidation or violence). This is a disagreement about priorities on a busy Tuesday night. And yet, during the power struggle phase of marriage, before you've learned how to manage your disagreements, you can become just as triggered as this couple.
When your fight-or-flight system takes over, you have less access to the reasonable part of your brain that helps you hold onto perspective, practice self-restraint, and choose your words carefully. You become much more vulnerable to saying things that make the situation worse.
The next time you face a similar situation, your brain may already be anticipating another confrontation. You become increasingly sensitive to the same triggers, making it easier and easier to repeat the toxic pattern.
Once you are mired in this kind of cycle, it can become a difficult habit to break. Over time, it can erode the bonds of even the closest couples.
The single best thing you can do to stop a toxic argument
The best thing you can do once you recognize that you are flooded with stress and caught up in your fight-or-flight response is to take a break. Calm your body before attempting to talk with your spouse about what's bothering you.
Here's how:
1. Stop.
Just stop whatever you are saying. Don't say another word. There is very little chance of a positive outcome if you keep talking when your fight-or-flight system is activated. You are far more likely to say something hurtful than to resolve anything.
2. Focus on calming your body.
Until you are calmer, it will be difficult to express yourself effectively or hear what your partner is trying to say. You might be able to calm yourself in just a few moments, or you may need to leave the room for a longer period of time.
Just tell your spouse that you need a break, where you're going, and when you'll be back. This last part is important. You want your partner to understand that you aren't abandoning the conversation or walking away from the relationship. You are taking responsibility for calming yourself so you can come back and have a better conversation.
3. Take some slow, deep breaths and let your muscles relax.
This is one of the quickest ways to help your nervous system settle down. Slow breathing, particularly with a longer exhale, can help reduce your body's stress response and signal that you are safe.
My three favorite breathing techniques are:
a. Box breathing: Breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for four counts, and hold for four counts. Repeat several times.
b. Alternate nostril breathing: Use your right thumb to close your right nostril and inhale through your left nostril. Then close your left nostril with your ring finger, release your right nostril, and exhale through the right. Inhale through the right, switch fingers, and exhale through the left. Repeat several times.
c. Simple breathing: Start with a gentle, full exhale. Then inhale slowly through your nose. When you have filled your lungs comfortably, take in a little more air and exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat several times without forcing your breath.
4. Don't spend your break thinking about what is making you mad!
Easy to say, harder to do. But if you spend your time apart rehearsing all the reasons you're upset or angry, you are essentially keeping yourself in fight mode. You'll be just as activated when you try to talk again.
Instead, get your mind onto something else until your body begins to settle. Play Wordle, listen to music, take a walk, or do anything that absorbs your attention and helps you shift gears. Give yourself permission to stop thinking about the argument for a while.
5. Only then should you try to talk about what's bothering you.
And maybe by then, you won't even need to. You may realize that it wasn't such a big deal after all, or that you can approach the issue differently.
Either way, you've saved yourself from saying or hearing things that can't be unsaid. These are the kinds of things that can damage your bond long after the argument is over.
Marriage counseling may become necessary if you find that you and your spouse are unable to disrupt these cycles on your own. With the help of an experienced couples therapist, you can learn to recognize your patterns, understand what's happening underneath your conflicts, and find a different way through these moments.
It is crucial that you do, because you don't deserve to have this level of stress in your life, and neither does your partner. And you certainly don't want to destroy the loving bond you once had!
It takes just a few terrible fights, unfolding when both of you are in fight-or-flight mode, to create wounds and mistrust that can take years to heal. Too often, I see couples in my office for the first time who have become so deeply entrenched in toxic arguing that they aren't even sure they love each other anymore.
Perfectly good relationships sometimes don't survive the power struggle stage of marriage because couples develop destructive habits around conflict that they don't know how to break.
The first step is recognizing when you're caught in one of these cycles. The second is learning to take a break and calm yourself down before things get worse.
After that, you've created the possibility of a new way forward in your marriage. One where you can disagree about almost anything without damaging the loving bond between you.
Author Bio
Melinda Yachnin, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in La Grange and Chicago IL. She specializes in couples counseling for people in long-term relationships and has been counseling couples for almost 30 years in the Chicago area. She uses Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, EFT and RLT in her work with couples so that couples can access the practical skills in everyday life and the deeper currents that can transform their relationships. She has been married for 25 years and raised three children with her husband, a perspective that has enhanced her commitment to helping couples navigate the many stages of a life together.
