“We need help.” Sonia had reached out to me to find out about marriage counseling after she and her husband had “their worst fight ever” about money the weekend before. Sonia and Mark had met 7 years ago while they were both serving in the Peace Corps. They had become friends and then fallen in love, connecting over their shared values around helping others and living simply. They eventually moved back to the States and married 3 years ago in a modest ceremony in her parents’ back yard.
As I got to know them, I was struck by just how much they had in common: values, lifestyle, adventurousness, financial goals, you name it, they were on the same page. They were respectful towards each other, self-aware, thoughtful, and yet something about this recent fight felt hugely unsettling to each of them. What could possibly have caused them to become so distressed by an argument?
It turned out to be over a $5 latte she was buying for herself on Fridays on her way to work.
They were as similar and as connected as I’d ever known a couple to be, and yet that $20 a month had turned into a conflict that had them both questioning their entire relationship.
The power struggle stage
The initial honeymoon stage of marriage tends to be all about compatibility and being on the same page with each other. You get lulled into thinking that this symbiosis is what your relationship will always enjoy, so when the small differences between you start to emerge, you worry that something might be going wrong in our relationship.
Here’s the thing: nothing is going wrong when you start to have more disagreements. It’s just that the ways you are not clones of each other are starting to become obvious. You think it’s okay to let a pot soak overnight, for instance; your partner think it makes more sense to wash it after you finish eating dinner. You are ready to leave the party at 11pm, but she prefers to stay until midnight. You want to spend $5 on a coffee drink, and he would rather put that $5 in your savings account. None of these differences are very big; indeed, you might agree on the important things: being frugal, on spending time with friends, on cleaning the kitchen. You just don’t agree on exactly every aspect of every part of your lives, and with time and repetition, these disagreements begin to chafe and take on added significance.
This would all be fine if you would just do things the way that I do.
The power struggle stage of marriage is when you become aware of all the ways you are different from your spouse. If the honeymoon is all about what you have in common, the power struggle is instead about differentiation.
Most of us, when faced with a disagreement will do our best to persuade our partner to see our point of view. After all, you have your point of view for good reasons, with which, if your partner only understood, he or she would surely agree! And of course, your spouse feels just the same about their point of view, so it isn’t long before you get into circular arguments over when to leave a party. Even though you both wanted to go to that party in the first place.
It can be very difficult and discouraging to start disagreeing with your partner over things you thought were settled. It can feel even worse when your efforts to make yourself understood turn into arguments full of anger instead. No wonder so many couples decide to divorce during this stage. And even couples who stay together can end up in cycles of bickering and disconnect that are hard to undo.
Your conflicts are opportunities
How do you get out of the circular arguments? Here are eight ingredients in a healthy conflict style:
You start by shifting your perspective, from one that has space for only one right way to do any given thing to one that is sturdy enough to include both points of view.
You accept that the differences between you are inevitable, and that just as you want to be supported in living life on your own terms, you need to offer that same support to your spouse.
You stop trying to prove your point and you begin to get curious about your partner’s.
You come up with ways to come back to each other, after you’ve had an argument.
You set boundaries with your spouse on what you will and won’t do when you’re angry, and you honor them. No throwing things, for instance, and no threats to leave.
You manage your own upset, remembering that this particular conflict will not make or break your whole relationship.
You hold yourself accountable and honor the agreements you make with each other.
And you apologize when you’ve gone too far.
In other words, you figure out together during this stage how to talk and even argue about the things on which you don’t agree. Not WHAT your solutions are, because those will change. But HOW you will get to those solutions, however much you each grow and change in the years ahead.
Sonia and Mark eventually figured out that it wasn’t ever really about the $5 spent on a cup of coffee. It was about his anxiety about losing that passion they once shared for changing the world, as they settled into their small suburban starter home. It was about her wanting to treat herself to something when work stress got to be too much. It was about their discomfort with conflict in general and their fear of growing apart.
They eventually figured out new ways to stay connected, as their lives got busier, and got comfortable with the discomfort of having difficult conversations. They decided to have every hard conversation while they walked their dog around the block, and in all these ways, their relationship began to feel more solid and deep, with space for each of them to be true to themselves and each other.
Author Bio
Melinda Yachnin, LCPC, is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor in La Grange and Chicago IL. She specializes in couples counseling for people in long-term relationships and has been counseling couples for almost 30 years in the Chicago area. She uses Gottman Method, Imago Therapy, EFT and RLT in her work with couples so that couples can access the practical skills in everyday life and the deeper currents that can transform their relationships. She has been married for 25 years and raised three children with her husband, a perspective that has enhanced her commitment to helping couples navigate the many stages of a life together.
